Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Princesses don't give blow jobs
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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