Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Randomize
