I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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