she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
