dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
