i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
