Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
