omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Randomize
