I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
