my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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