you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
