Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
