It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
