If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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