I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
