so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
