there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
