I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
