Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
