Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
