P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
