My Higher Power is John Stamos
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
