When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
