I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
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