8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
