my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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