After last night, I could never be a politician.
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Randomize
