I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
