Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Randomize
