Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I just found a bag of teeth...
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
