It was confusing and full of hummus
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
