Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
