So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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