Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
