Where did you get a picture of my penis
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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