My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
You are a genius and a whore.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
