ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
