so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
He's a Shit stain on my heart
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
