I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
My day in three words: secret purse cake
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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