the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
