We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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