Define "chronic" masturbator.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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