I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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