Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
You ate ashes out of my bong
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
