How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
