You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
