Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Randomize
