"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
