I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
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