Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
