So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
