I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I just pynch a tree in the face
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
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